20 March 2007

A Mid-Vacation Update

Wow, the Spanish keyboards are a trip, therefore I will keep it short. I am having a great time here in Mexico and there will be pictures galore once I put them all on my computer. There is a short novel in the works that I think I will publish through LuLu on the first of May to honor International Worker's Day. I will be sure to update you more on that once I am back in the states. In all I miss my homeland and look foreward to our reunion, though I must admit, it has been no torture or stretch to fall in love with Mexico. Best wishes from the sunny 75 degree Morales valley, Schylar

14 March 2007

A Fortnight Hiatus

I will be returning with my blogging wondrousness in the 28th of March. Until then I will be here...

09 March 2007

08 March 2007

07 March 2007

The Receptionist

Again I am swamped with work, savor this while I am out.

06 March 2007

05 March 2007

02 March 2007

01 March 2007

Written On The Body Pt.1


I’m sitting here at my desk trying to make sense out of this book and doing a horrible job of it I might add. Not really the book, more the issues in the book that I have to think about for myself. And so I think to myself, perchance if I were to reason it out in writing I could get somewhere. So for now let us begin with the biggest question in my mind after this novel.

Where do my gendered perceptions come from and why the hell is it such a big deal to begin with?

So I guess that I will have to be horrible and cliché about the whole thing and begin with blaming the culture that I was raised in. Not that my other reason is that much less cliché, it’s family, but as I know in my best way of knowing, gender is a learned thing, and those are the main two places you learn any social behavior.

Okay, Society. A great deal of it has to do with power. Gender is one of those things that keeps the social hierarchy in place. Look at it as a pyramid, which it is. On top in that small minority is the white, heteronormative, patriarchal male. The more “masculinized“ you are within this the higher you are. And of course I should qualify this with the fact that I can only speak of my Amerocentric upbringing and society, this apex is socially different across the globe. Without fail though no matter where you look throughout the world, it is the heterosexual hyper-masculine male at the top of society.

So since the idea of gender keeps people in their places, ensuring power for those on top, I begin to see why it is so essential to our society.

And to segue for a moment, I want to clarify that is is a big deal. I don’t care how ”liberal“ or ”open-minded“ you think you are. You are just as caught up in the gender game as I or anyone else is, with perhaps the exception of a very few people on this planet. I’m not going to argue that point. Accept it.

Back to power though, you can see why it is a fairly nice system. A mode of labeling, that feminist and misogynist alike buy into, a system that equally cripples both of them, leaves those on top with a lot of power. After all, if you can disenfranchise most of the population they are a lot easier to dominate.

From before we even get ready to exit the womb we are engendered. We are put into one of two checkboxes M or F. And for those who are not clearly one or the other, well the doctors butcher them into one of the boxes. And that is not a rare occurrence either. It’s more common that red hair. The fact that there is an entire medical process for forcing people into the generally accepted gender binary must mean that it is a construct. If things that common were ”anomalies” there would be a hell of a lot more people dying their ”defects“ away.

I can site examples of the gender binary in society until I’m blue in the face, but I think you get the point.

To be continued in part 2...

28 February 2007

26 February 2007

50's Mentality Pt.1


Why is it that things that you don’t like are somehow considered to be good for you?

It’s like that old 50’s mentality, you know the one: “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stringer.” That one.

Thinking on this I realize that in all practical matters it’s true. For instance the sucker-fish. Those things give me the creeps. They look so horrible and scary, some freakish holdover from the prehistoric ages. Without it though your aquarium is twice as hard to keep up. So, no matter how squeamish they make you, keep them around because in the long run it really is good for you.

Exercise is another thing. I’m at the gym last week and I’m on this machine called the “true Strider” and I tell you it was hell. In thirty minutes I burned away seven hundred calories. The morning after my legs felt a though they had been immersed in flames. The first few steps out of the bed threatened to give from beneath me. In retrospect though, it really does do wonders for the calves. And once again, what seems like the time from hell ends up being great for you after the fact.

Now it’s true, this good old 50’s mentality holds true in a lot of situations. This is why people are so willing to take it as gospel. Ask anyone and they will nine times out of ten say that it is true, no qualifiers. Only every now and then will you get the qualifiers of “usually” or “most of the time“. And if you ask those people why they add that qualifier, they will undoubtedly have had some personal trauma that disproved it. If you were to further interrogate these people, nine out of ten will quote some overbearing parent, teacher, coach, or employer. I’m not really interested in them though.

I want to know about that one tenth of one tenth that sites love as the qualifying experience. And as pretentiously romantic it is to feel that to be wounded by love is to be in a minority, it’s how I feel, if you don’t like it, you can stop reading right now.

So 1% of the 50’s mentality population, is what I want to discuss. And in my very own romantically pretentious way I am going to use myself as the standard for our lot.

We are told that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. The theory being that bouncing back from heartbreak is somehow fortifying in character and better off to have the war scar than to stay in hiding. I hope no one ever tried that argument on Anne Frank. Supposing that you survive the heartbreak though it is supposed to be a fortifying experience. Those who do not survive it, well that is another camp all together.

I want to talk about those of us who are broken. I mean that pseudo-rare class of people who are genuinely broken from a great, yet non-lethal, heartbreak.

In short I wish to talk of my own heartbreak, and how though I have survived it, at least physically, I am weakened, even broken, because of it.

23 February 2007

Biblical Ghosts


Wednesday was “Ash Wednesday” and it’s supposed to be this time of thoughtfulness and penitence and all that good stuff. So I’m kneeling there in the cathedral and praying, well kind of praying, mostly just thinking actually. So I’m kneeling there in the cathedral thinking, and the story of Job comes to mind. And as I’m thinking about Job I start to think about Jesus, and that’s when it came to me. In that moment I realized that Job and Jesus were the same thing as Silicon Valley, and if I’m right, and I am, Steve Jobs is Moses. But I really shouldn’t be talking about that right now (I’m typing on a Mac).

It’s actually frightening how many Bible personages seem to be reincarnated in our modern world. Here are a few of them:

1. Justin Timberlake is like Samson, since he’s cut his hair it’s all been downhill from there.

2. George W. Bush is Angel Of Death, with this war of his he’s killing a lot of firstborn.

3. Pauly Shore is like Noah, that “Biodome“ movie had too many parallels with the ark for it to be coincidence.

4. Susan Sarandon is definitely the Queen of Sheba, or at least she thinks she is.

5. And Dick Clark can be none other than Methuselah.

Do you see what I mean? As of yet I have not been able to draw any conclusions from this phenomena, but when I do I’ll be sure to let you in.

22 February 2007

Sucker-Fish and The Workout from Hell


Preview: In three days, a stunning account of fish and cardio. Tune in on mondya to see what lies in store. Beyond that there is nothing else to say this evening. Goodnight and god speed.

21 February 2007

The Music OF Erich Zann


[Again I am too overtaken by the homework monsters, enjoy this creepy tale for today.]

by H. P. Lovecraft

Written Dec 1921

Published March 1922 in The National Amateur, Vol. 44, No. 4, p. 38-40.

I have examined maps of the city with the greatest care, yet have never again found the Rue d'Auseil. These maps have not been modern maps alone, for I know that names change. I have, on the contrary, delved deeply into all the antiquities of the place, and have personally explored every region, of whatever name, which could possibly answer to the street I knew as the Rue d'Auseil. But despite all I have done, it remains an humiliating fact that I cannot find the house, the street, or even the locality, where, during the last months of my impoverished life as a student of metaphysics at the university, I heard the music of Erich Zann.

That my memory is broken, I do not wonder; for my health, physical and mental, was gravely disturbed throughout the period of my residence in the Rue d'Auseil, and I recall that I took none of my few acquaintances there. But that I cannot find the place again is both singular and perplexing; for it was within a half-hour's walk of the university and was distinguished by peculiarities which could hardly be forgotten by any one who had been there. I have never met a person who has seen the Rue d'Auseil.

The Rue d'Auseil lay across a dark river bordered by precipitous brick blear-windowed warehouses and spanned by a ponderous bridge of dark stone. It was always shadowy along that river, as if the smoke of neighboring factories shut out the sun perpetually. The river was also odorous with evil stenches which I have never smelled elsewhere, and which may some day help me to find it, since I should recognize them at once. Beyond the bridge were narrow cobbled streets with rails; and then came the ascent, at first gradual, but incredibly steep as the Rue d'Auseil was reached.

I have never seen another street as narrow and steep as the Rue d'Auseil. It was almost a cliff, closed to all vehicles, consisting in several places of ffights of steps, and ending at the top in a lofty ivied wall. Its paving was irregular, sometimes stone slabs, sometimes cobblestones, and sometimes bare earth with struggling greenish-grey vegetation. The houses were tall, peaked-roofed, incredibly old, and crazily leaning backward, forward, and sidewise. Occasionally an opposite pair, both leaning forward, almost met across the street like an arch; and certainly they kept most of the light from the ground below. There were a few overhead bridges from house to house across the street.

The inhabitants of that street impressed me peculiarly; At first I thought it was because they were all silent and reticent; but later decided it was because they were all very old. I do not know how I came to live on such a street, but I was not myself when I moved there. I had been living in many poor places, always evicted for want of money; until at last I came upon that tottering house in the Rue d'Auseil kept by the paralytic Blandot. It was the third house from the top of the street, and by far the tallest of them all.

My rcom was on the fifth story; the only inhabited room there, since the house was almost empty. On the night I arrived I heard strang music from the peaked garret overhead, and the next day asked old Blandot about it. He told me it was an old German viol-player, a strange dumb man who signed his name as Erich Zann, and who played eve nings in a cheap theater orchestra; adding that Zann's desire to play in the night after his return from the theater was the reason he had chosen this lofty and isolated garret room, whose single gable window was the only point on the street from which one could look over the terminating wall at the declivity and panorama beyond.

Thereafter I heard Zann every night, and although he kept me awake, I was haunted by the weirdness of his music. Knowing little of the art myself, I was yet certain that none of his harmonies had any relation to music I had heard before; and concluded that he was a composer of highly original genius. The longer I listened, the more I was fascinated, until after a week I resolved to make the old man's acquaintance.

One night as he was returning from his work, I intercepted Zann in the hallway and told him that I would like to know him and be with him when he played. He was a small, lean, bent person, with shabby clothes, blue eyes, grotesque, satyrlike face, and nearly bald head; and at my first words seemed both angered and frightened. My obvious friendliness, however, finally melted him; and he grudgingly motioned to me to follow him up the dark, creaking and rickety attic stairs. His room, one of only two in the steeply pitched garret, was on the west side, toward the high wall that formed the upper end of the street. Its size was very great, and seemed the greater because of its extraordinary barrenness and neglect. Of furniture there was only a narrow iron bedstead, a dingy wash-stand, a small table, a large bookcase, an iron music-rack, and three old-fashioned chairs. Sheets of music were piled in disorder about the floor. The walls were of bare boards, and had probably never known plaster; whilst the abundance of dust and cobwebs made the place seem more deserted than inhabited. Evidently Erich Zann's world of beauty lay in some far cosmos of the imagination.

Motioning me to sit down, the dumb man closed the door, turned the large wooden bolt, and lighted a candle to augment the one he had brought with him. He now removed his viol from its motheaten covering, and taking it, seated himself in the least uncomfortable of the chairs. He did not employ the music-rack, but, offering no choice and playing from memory, enchanted me for over an hour with strains I had never heard before; strains which must have been of his own devising. To describe their exact nature is impossible for one unversed in music. They were a kind of fugue, with recurrent passages of the most captivating quality, but to me were notable for the absence of any of the weird notes I had overheard from my room below on other occasions.

Those haunting notes I had remembered, and had often hummed and whistled inaccurately to myself, so when the player at length laid down his bow I asked him if he would render some of them. As I began my request the wrinkled satyrlike face lost the bored placidity it had possessed during the playing, and seemed to show the same curious mixture of anger and fright which I had noticed when first I accosted the old man. For a moment I was inclined to use persuasion, regarding rather lightly the whims of senility; and even tried to awaken my host's weirder mood by whistling a few of the strains to which I had listened the night before. But I did not pursue this course for more than a moment; for when the dumb musician recognized the whistled air his face grew suddenly distorted with an expression wholly beyond analysis, and his long, cold, bony right hand reached out to stop my mouth and silence the crude imitation. As he did this he further demonstrated his eccentricity by casting a startled glance toward the lone curtained window, as if fearful of some intruder - a glance doubly absurd, since the garret stood high and inaccessible above all the adjacent roofs, this window being the only point on the steep street, as the concierge had told me, from which one could see over the wall at the summit.

The old man's glance brought Blandot's remark to my mind, and with a certain capriciousness I felt a wish to look out over the wide and dizzying panorama of moonlit roofs and city lights beyond the hilltop, which of all the dwellers in the Rue d'Auseil only this crabbed musician could see. I moved toward the window and would have drawn aside the nondescript curtains, when with a frightened rage even greater than before, the dumb lodger was upon me again; this time motioning with his head toward the door as he nervously strove to drag me thither with both hands. Now thoroughly disgusted with my host, I ordered him to release me, and told him I would go at once. His clutch relaxed, and as he saw my disgust and offense, his own anger seemed to subside. He tightened his relaxing grip, but this time in a friendly manner, forcing me into a chair; then with an appearance of wistfulness crossing to the littered table, where he wrote many words with a pencil, in the labored French of a foreigner.

The note which he finally handed me was an appeal for tolerance and forgiveness. Zann said that he was old, lonely, and afflicted with strange fears and nervous disorders connected with his music and with other things. He had enjoyed my listening to his music, and wished I would come again and not mind his eccentricities. But he could not play to another his weird harmonies, and could not bear hearing them from another; nor could he bear having anything in his room touched by an-other. He had not known until our hallway conversation that I could overhear his playing in my room, and now asked me if I would arrange with Blandot to take a lower room where I could not hear him in the night. He would, he wrote, defray the difference in rent.

As I sat deciphering the execrable French, I felt more lenient toward the old man. He was a victim of physical and nervous suffering, as was I; and my metaphysical studies had taught me kindness. In the silence there came a slight sound from the window - the shutter must have rattled in the night wind, and for some reason I started almost as violently as did Erich Zann. So when I had finished reading, I shook my host by the hand, and departed as a friend.

The next day Blandot gave me a more expensive room on the third floor, between the apartments of an aged money-lender and the room of a respectable upholsterer. There was no one on the fourth floor.

It was not long before I found that Zann's eagerness for my company was not as great as it had seemed while he was persuading me to move down from the fifth story. He did not ask me to call on him, and when I did call he appeared uneasy and played listlessly. This was always at night - in the day he slept and would admit no one. My liking for him did not grow, though the attic room and the weird music seemed to hold an odd fascination for me. I had a curious desire to look out of that window, over the wall and down the unseen slope at the glittering roofs and spires which must lie outspread there. Once I went up to the garret during theater hours, when Zann was away, but the door was locked.

What I did succeed in doing was to overhear the nocturnal playing of the dumb old man. At first I would tip-toe up to my old fifth floor, then I grew bold enough to climb the last creaking staircase to the peaked garret. There in the narrow hall, outside the bolted door with the covered keyhole, I often heard sounds which filled me with an indefinable dread - the dread of vague wonder and brooding mystery. It was not that the sounds were hideous, for they were not; but that they held vibrations suggesting nothing on this globe of earth, and that at certain intervals they assumed a symphonic quality which I could hardly conceive as produced by one player. Certainly, Erich Zann was a genius of wild power. As the weeks passed, the playing grew wilder, whilst the old musician acquired an increasing haggardness and furtiveness pitiful to behold. He now refused to admit me at any time, and shunned me whenever we met on the stairs.

Then one night as I listened at the door, I heard the shrieking viol swell into a chaotic babel of sound; a pandemonium which would have led me to doubt my own shaking sanity had there not come from behind that barred portal a piteous proof that the horror was real - the awful, inarticulate cry which only a mute can utter, and which rises only in moments of the most terrible fear or anguish. I knocked repeatedly at the door, but received no response. Afterward I waited in the black hallway, shivering with cold and fear, till I heard the poor musician's feeble effort to rise from the floor by the aid of a chair. Believing him just conscious after a fainting fit, I renewed my rapping, at the same time calling out my name reassuringly. I heard Zann stumble to the window and close both shutter and sash, then stumble to the door, which he falteringly unfastened to admit me. This time his delight at having me present was real; for his distorted face gleamed with relief while he clutched at my coat as a child clutches at its mother's skirts.

Shaking pathetically, the old man forced me into a chair whilst he sank into another, beside which his viol and bow lay carelessly on the floor. He sat for some time inactive, nodding oddly, but having a paradoxical suggestion of intense and frightened listening. Subsequently he seemed to be satisfied, and crossing to a chair by the table wrote a brief note, handed it to me, and returned to the table, where he began to write rapidly and incessantly. The note implored me in the name of mercy, and for the sake of my own curiosity, to wait where I was while he prepared a full account in German of all the marvels and terrors which beset him. I waited, and the dumb man's pencil flew.

It was perhaps an hour later, while I still waited and while the old musician's feverishly written sheets still continued to pile up, that I saw Zann start as from the hint of a horrible shock. Unmistakably he was looking at the curtained window and listening shudderingly. Then I half fancied I heard a sound myself; though it was not a horrible sound, but rather an exquisitely low and infinitely distant musical note, suggesting a player in one of the neighboring houses, or in some abode beyond the lofty wall over which I had never been able to look. Upon Zann the effect was terrible, for, dropping his pencil, suddenly he rose, seized his viol, and commenced to rend the night with the wildest playing I had ever heard from his bow save when listening at the barred door.

It would be useless to describe the playing of Erich Zann on that dreadful night. It was more horrible than anything I had ever overheard, because I could now see the expression of his face, and could realize that this time the motive was stark fear. He was trying to make a noise; to ward something off or drown something out - what, I could not imagine, awesome though I felt it must be. The playing grew fantastic, dehnous, and hysterical, yet kept to the last the qualities of supreme genius which I knew this strange old man possessed. I recognized the air - it was a wild Hungarian dance popular in the theaters, and I reflected for a moment that this was the first time I had ever heard Zann play the work of another composer.

Louder and louder, wilder and wilder, mounted the shrieking and whining of that desperate viol. The player was dripping with an uncanny perspiration and twisted like a monkey, always looking frantically at the curtained window. In his frenzied strains I could almost see shadowy satyrs and bacchanals dancing and whirling insanely through seething abysses of clouds and smoke and lightning. And then I thought I heard a shriller, steadier note that was not from the viol; a calm, deliberate, purposeful, mocking note from far away in the West.

At this juncture the shutter began to rattle in a howling night wind which had sprung up outside as if in answer to the mad playing within. Zann's screaming viol now outdid itself emitting sounds I had never thought a viol could emit. The shutter rattled more loudly, unfastened, and commenced slamming against the window. Then the glass broke shiveringly under the persistent impacts, and the chill wind rushed in, making the candles sputter and rustling the sheets of paper on the table where Zann had begun to write out his horrible secret. I looked at Zann, and saw that he was past conscious observation. His blue eyes were bulging, glassy and sightless, and the frantic playing had become a blind, mechanical, unrecognizable orgy that no pen could even suggest.

A sudden gust, stronger than the others, caught up the manuscript and bore it toward the window. I followed the flying sheets in desperation, but they were gone before I reached the demolished panes. Then I remembered my old wish to gaze from this window, the only window in the Rue d'Auseil from which one might see the slope beyond the wall, and the city outspread beneath. It was very dark, but the city's lights always burned, and I expected to see them there amidst the rain and wind. Yet when I looked from that highest of all gable windows, looked while the candles sputtered and the insane viol howled with the night-wind, I saw no city spread below, and no friendly lights gleamed from remembered streets, but only the blackness of space illimitable; unimagined space alive with motion and music, and having no semblance of anything on earth. And as I stood there looking in terror, the wind blew out both the candles in that ancient peaked garret, leaving me in savage and impenetrable darkness with chaos and pandemonium before me, and the demon madness of that night-baying viol behind me.

I staggered back in the dark, without the means of striking a light, crashing against the table, overturning a chair, and finally groping my way to the place where the blackness screamed with shocking music. To save myself and Erich Zann I could at least try, whatever the powers opposed to me. Once I thought some chill thing brushed me, and I screamed, but my scream could not be heard above that hideous viol. Suddenly out of the blackness the madly sawing bow struck me, and I knew I was close to the player. I felt ahead, touched the back of Zann's chair, and then found and shook his shoulder in an effort to bring him to his senses.

He did not respond, and still the viol shrieked on without slackening. I moved my hand to his head, whose mechanical nodding I was able to stop, and shouted in his ear that we must both flee from the unknown things of the night. But he neither answered me nor abated the frenzy of his unutterable music, while all through the garret strange currents of wind seemed to dance in the darkness and babel. When my hand touched his ear I shuddered, though I knew not why - knew not why till I felt the still face; the ice-cold, stiffened, unbreathing face whose glassy eyes bulged uselessly into the void. And then, by some miracle, finding the door and the large wooden bolt, I plunged wildly away from that glassy-eyed thing in the dark, and from the ghoulish howling of that accursed viol whose fury increased even as I plunged.

Leaping, floating, flying down those endless stairs through the dark house; racing mindlessly out into the narrow, steep, and ancient street of steps and tottering houses; clattering down steps and over cobbles to the lower streets and the putrid canyon-walled river; panting across the great dark bridge to the broader, healthier streets and boulevards we know; all these are terrible impressions that linger with me. And I recall that there was no wind, and that the moon was out, and that all the lights of the city twinkled.

Despite my most careful searches and investigations, I have never since been able to find the Rue d'Auseil. But I am not wholly sorry; either for this or for the loss in undreamable abysses of the closely-written sheets which alone could have explained the music of Erich Zann.

20 February 2007

Charlie the Unicorn

I have a massive paper to write, enjoy this in the meantime.

19 February 2007

The Parable of the Jelly Donut


by Hermotimus Boukephalos

Once upon a time a man was minding his own business when a Great Man approached him and handed him a jelly donut.

Now, the man wasn't hungry, and he didn't particularly want a jelly donut - he certainly hadn't asked the Great Man for the jelly donut (had he been asking, he would've asked for a chocolate donut). But people said the Great Man knew what you really wanted and needed, even if you didn't (he was, after all, "the Great Man" on all matters, including that), and so the man meekly accepted the gift. "Thank you for this jelly donut, great Man," he said.

The man went on about his way, carrying the jelly donut. People who claimed to be Authorities on the Great Man said to him that he should be grateful for the donut bestowed on him by the Great Man. "I did say 'thank you,'" the man replied.

"Did you say, 'Thank you, Great Man, for the rich red raspberry filling'?" they asked.

"Uh, no, not specifically."

"Did you say, 'Thank you, Great Man, for the beautiful pink icing and the colorful sprinkles on top'?"

"Um… no," the man answered. "You know, honestly, I don't care for sprinkles on a donut. They don't really have any flavor, and sometimes they get stuck between my teeth. And the icing is beginning to melt and run all over my fingers."

"Oh, you wicked, ungrateful man!" shouted the Authorities. "The jelly donut is a gift from the Great Man, and it is your responsibility to take care of it!"

"'Take care of it'?" the man asked. "I was going to eat it."

"Oh no! The gift of the jelly donut is in itself proof of what a Great Man the Great Man is, and it belongs to Him to decide what to do with it. You must not give in to your lustful appetites and wantonly consume the gift! You must take care of it and hold it up as an example of His greatness!"

So the man listened to the Authorities, and carried around the jelly donut as a sign of the Great Man's great generosity. The Authorities showed up from time to time to remind him that he must repeatedly say "Thank you, Great Man" for the gift of the jelly donut.

Naturally, the jelly donut began to go stale after a few days. The pink icing got all runny and dribbled, not only all over his fingers, but onto other people the man was in contact with. When the man asked the Authorities about the problem of the runny icing, he was told it was part of the Great Man's plan, and that the fact that ordinary people couldn't see the wonder and good of runny icing didn't mean that it wasn't a Great thing - it must be Great - it came from the Great Man. Still, other people didn't see the runny icing as a wonderful thing, part of the gift, when it dribbled on their carpet and stained their furniture - they became angry at the man for dribbling sticky icing on their things.

And the Great Man did a strange thing from time to time: He would come upon the man, walking along, carrying his jelly donut, and would sprinkle ants on the donut. The man took the ant-infested donut to the Authorities. "The Great Man surely intends that I throw away the donut, now" he said. "Look, He has put ants on it."

"The ants are just the Great Man's way of testing you, to see how much you cherish the magnificent gift He has presented you. Don't you dare show your disregard for the jelly donut - pick off the ants."

So, taking care of the jelly donut soon began to take all of the man's time - picking ants off the icing, trying to poke the now-rancid raspberry jelly back in, where it had oozed out of holes eaten by the ants, retrieving sprinkles that had fallen off the donut. Once, the Great man stuck out a foot as the man walked by, tripping him. The man picked up the jelly donut, cried a bit, then said, "Thank you, Great Man, for the gift of this jelly donut," as he brushed off the gravel and dust from the donut and continued on his way. Still, despite his best efforts, the donut was really becoming disgusting.

Searching for an understanding of this all-consuming task, the man went to listen to the Authorities.

"Donut-care is a life of woe," said the Authorities. "Praise be to the Great Man who gives us these donuts." The Authorities recognized that, eventually, every donut would rot, or perhaps the Great Man would come take it back. But they differed about what happened after that. Some said that a person simply had a peaceful time, free of the cares of donut ownership. Some said that people who properly cared for their donuts eventually got to go to a pastry shop, where all the donuts were fresh and delicious. Still other Authorities said that a person was just given another donut, but if the person had done a good job taking care of this donut, then the next donut would be a better one.

One day, the man's donut simply fell apart. Maggots had long since consumed the jelly filling, and the hard dry shell of pastry crumbled into dust and sifted through his fingers. Ants scurried away with the last little bits of colored sprinkles. The man was sitting on the ground, staring at his empty, sticky hand, when the Great Man approached.

"Oh, Great Man, thank you again for the gift of the jelly donut," said the man.

"You're welcome," said the Great Man.

"But… may I ask a question? Why is it such a burden to carry a donut and care for it, only to have it rot in my hand?"

"I've been wondering about that, myself," said the Great Man. "Why on earth were you carrying that rotting donut around all these weeks?"

"The Authorities told me it was a gift from you, that I was obliged to take care of it for you until you took it back."

"Uh... yeah. It was a GIFT. I GAVE it to you. It was YOURS. To give it away, to throw it away, to say 'Thanks but no thanks.' To EAT it, for God's sake! I can't think of a more stupid thing to do with something perishable than to carry it around, trying to make it last as long as possible, instead of enjoying it while it's fresh and, if it gets stale before you finish it, to discard it." The Great Man looked disgusted.

"But the Authorities told me the donut really belonged to you, that I was just a steward of your gift," said the man, looking distraught.

"That's another thing. You go around thanking me all the time for this donut. If it belongs to me, and you're taking care of it for me, shouldn't I be the one thanking you? I mean, if I go out of town for a few days and ask my neighbor to feed the cat for me, I don't expect the neighbor to send me a 'Thank You' card for it."

"But how was I to know it was alright for me to discard the donut?" The man was almost frantic now at the thought of all the pointless effort.

"Well, you could begin with common sense. And it's not like I didn't try to help you get rid of the donut - I sprinkled ants on it! I tripped you and made you drop it in the dirt! What does it take for you to get the hint and just let go of it?"

16 February 2007

Okay


Okay is such a funny word. I love it. If you tell someone that you are okay they assume that you mean you are good. For me that is not what okay means though. For me okay means that my blood is pumping and my lungs are breathing, that’s it. Being okay has nothing to do with feeling good. Being okay has nothing to do with being happy. Being okay means being alive, no matter by how thin a thread.

I am actually okay today. I love saying that to people. Since I’ve started saying okay people think I’m good. Since I’ve started saying okay people don’t bother me so much. Saying okay lets me spend time with my darkness.

My darkness is like a pet. I really do like to think of it that way. It’s actually one of the few things that I can count on in life. Sure it likes to gouge holes out of me and leave me at the precipice of death but that’s how it likes to play.

Since I adopted my strange companion everything else pales. People are transparent and most of the time barely even there. Things loose meaning most of the time. The only thing that exists is my morbid new pet. It makes all reality seem like some sort of farce. It’s like I’m a puppet being pulled by people who live in a world that is dead to me. My lovely little pet is only trying to rescue me in the best way it knows. My one true companion loves me. One day joining it in the depths of oblivion is my one true joy. The thought of being with it forever is, dare I say it, almost orgasmic.

There are people though, that do not want me to be with my pet. Instead they try and tell me be whole, be happy, stay here with us. They call me selfish because I don’t want to be where I don’t want to be.

But they really don’t have to worry all that much. I’ll be around for a while. I mean, I’m okay; really.

15 February 2007

The Best Commercial Ever

After a botched trip to the army surplus store I needed a laugh. After I laughed I figured I would share it with you.

14 February 2007

Marlene Dietrich


It’s Valentines Day and I wanted to get this out to all of you early. Now I have two choices with today’s post. Option one is that I go melodramatic on you and piss and moan about how much live sucks. Option two is that I can bore you with the same old hyper-romance that Hollywood feeds to you every day. But, just like with gender I hate polarities in writing too. So today I am neither going to fuck or praise love. Instead I am going to talk about Marlene Dietrich. But again I am not going to bore you with the usual sappy love song. Yes, I admit it Ms. Dietrich was one of the most beautiful women to have ever lived, but that is immaterial to what I have to say about her.

Ms. Dietrich is more than a pretty face and a melodious voice. She is immortal. In a single pose and one snap of the camera she was forever immortalized to the cultured world. Now you may say that she is not immortal. You had no idea who the hell she was. No doubt though her image sends you thinking of something you once saw though. Her eternal nature is not in her own image, but in the legacy that her image created. Her grace and beauty captivated the globe and her voice spun into what would be for a decade the hallmark of movie music.

In other words, where she faded into obscurity in person she lived and lives on through legacy. Every woman since her has in some way tried to be like her. Think of the most blatantly, or for that matter alluring, pose made by the female body. Chances are Ms. Dietrich made it popular.

Legacy though is one o f those few things that if you try to establish, will always remain out of reach. To impart your essence upon life you must not be a part of it. If one worries about life and making a mark in it, it will crush them. One must be bigger than life in every way. You have got to blow Ms. Dietrich out of the water without even thinking about her.

This is why so few people leave actual legacies behind. I mean think about it we are always too busy worrying about the impact of our actions when we should be acting. There is too much hesitation in the modern person. Boldness without care is the token of greatness. To be uninhibited about life, doing as one pleases, that is the path to legacy.

Live in broad strokes. And above all, love more than anything you do. Love people, animals, rocks, trees, art, or water. We make things matter by loving them. Let the whole world matter to you, and suddenly you will matter to it. So today (did you actually believe I wouldn’t do this? Come on I read Harlequin Romances.) love and make sure everything you love fully knows it.

And before I leave you to go forth and love I have one last thing to say.

I really am sorry for the hokey-ness today.

13 February 2007

Have a Phallus, On Me

Need A Name For Your Irrational Fears?


1) Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.

2) Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.

3) Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.

4) Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.

5) Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.

6) Acrophobia- Fear of heights.

7) Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.

8) Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.

9) Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.

10) Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.

11) Agliophobia- Fear of pain.

12) Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

13) Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.

14) Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.

15) Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.

16) Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.

17) Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.

18) Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.

19) Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.

20) Algophobia- Fear of pain.

21) Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.

22) Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.

23) Altophobia- Fear of heights.

24) Amathophobia- Fear of dust.

25) Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.

26) Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.

27) Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.

28) Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.

29) Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.

30) Ancraophobia- Fear of wind. (Anemophobia)

31) Androphobia- Fear of men.

32) Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.(Ancraophobia)

33) Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.

34) Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.

35) Angrophobia - Fear of anger or of becoming angry.

36) Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.

37) Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.

38) Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.

39) Antlophobia- Fear of floods.

40) Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.

41) Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.

42) Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)

43) Apiphobia- Fear of bees.

44) Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.

45) Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

46) Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.

47) Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.

48) Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.

49) Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.

50) Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.

51) Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Ceraunophobia, Keraunophobia)

52) Astrophobia- Fear of stars or celestial space.

53) Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.

54) Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia. (muscular incoordination)

55) Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.

56) Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.

57) Atephobia- Fear of ruin or ruins.

58) Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.

59) Atomosophobia- Fear of atomic explosions.

60) Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.

61) Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.

62) Aurophobia- Fear of gold.

63) Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.

64) Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.

65) Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsly represents
a sentient being.

66) Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.

67) Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.

68) Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.

69) Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.

70) Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.

71) Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets.

72) Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.

73) Barophobia- Fear of gravity.

74) Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.

75) Bathmophobia- Fear of stairs or steep slopes.

76) Bathophobia- Fear of depth.

77) Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.

78) Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders, etc.

79) Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)

80) Bibliophobia- Fear of books.

81) Blennophobia- Fear of slime.

82) Bogyphobia- Fear of bogeys or the bogeyman.

83) Botanophobia- Fear of plants.

84) Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.

85) Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.

86) Bufonophobia- Fear of toads.

87) Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.

88) Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.

89) Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.

90) Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.

91) Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.

92) Carnophobia- Fear of meat.

93) Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.

94) Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.

95) Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.

96) Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.

97) Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.

98) Ceraunophobia or Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)

99) Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.

100) Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.(Frigophobia, Psychophobia)

101) Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.

102) Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.

103) Chionophobia- Fear of snow.

104) Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.

105) Chirophobia- Fear of hands.

106) Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.

107) Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.

108) Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.

109) Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.

110) Chronophobia- Fear of time.

111) Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.

112) Cibophobia- Fear of food.(Sitophobia, Sitiophobia)

113) Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

114) Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed place.

115) Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.

116) Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs.

117) Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.

118) Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.

119) Cnidophobia- Fear of stings.

120) Cometophobia- Fear of comets.

121) Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.

122) Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.

123) Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.

124) Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.

125) Coprophobia- Fear of feces.

126) Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.

127) Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.

128) Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.

129) Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.

130) Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.

131) Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.

132) Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.

133) Cymophobia or Kymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.

134) Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.

135) Cypridophobia or Cypriphobia or Cyprianophobia or Cyprinophobia - Fear of prostitutes or venereal disease.

136) Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.

137) Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.

138) Deipnophobia- Fear of dining or dinner conversations.

139) Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.

140) Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.

141) Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)

142) Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.

143) Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.

144) Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.

145) Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin disease.

146) Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.

147) Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.

148) Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.

149) Dikephobia- Fear of justice.

150) Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.

151) Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.

152) Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.

153) Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.

154) Domatophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.(Eicophobia, Oikophobia)

155) Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.

156) Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.

157) Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.

158) Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.

159) Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.

160) Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.

161) Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.

162) Ecophobia- Fear of home.

163) Eicophobia- Fear of home surroundings.(Domatophobia, Oikophobia)

164) Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

165) Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.

166) Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.

167) Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)

168) Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.

169) Enetophobia- Fear of pins.

170) Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.

171) Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.

172) Entomophobia- Fear of insects.

173) Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.

174) Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.

175) Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.

176) Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.

177) Equinophobia- Fear of horses.

178) Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.

179) Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.

180) Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of operating.

181) Ergophobia- Fear of work.

182) Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.

183) Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.

184) Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.

185) Erythrophobia or Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2) Blushing. 3) Red.

186) Febriphobia or Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.

187) Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia)

188) Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)

189) Frigophobia- Fear of cold or cold things.(Cheimaphobia, Cheimatophobia, Psychrophobia)

190) Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.

191) Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France or French culture. (Francophobia)

192) Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.

193) Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.

194) Geniophobia- Fear of chins.

195) Genophobia- Fear of sex.

196) Genuphobia- Fear of knees.

197) Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges.

198) Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture.

199) Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.

200) Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.

201) Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.

202) Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.

203) Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.

204) Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.

205) Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.

206) Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.

207) Hadephobia- Fear of hell.

208) Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.

209) Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.

210) Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.

211) Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.

212) Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.

213) Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.

214) Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.

215) Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.

216) Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.

217) Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.

218) Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.

219) Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)

220) Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.

221) Hippophobia- Fear of horses.

222) Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

223) Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.

224) Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.

225) Hormephobia- Fear of shock.

226) Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.

227) Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.

228) Hominophobia- Fear of men.

229) Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.

230) Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.

231) Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.

232) Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.

233) Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.

234) Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.

235) Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.

236) Hylephobia- Fear of materialism or the fear of epilepsy.

237) Hylophobia- Fear of forests.

238) Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.

239) Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.

240) Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.

241) Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.

242) Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.

243) Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.

244) Illyngophobia- Fear of vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down.

245) Iophobia- Fear of poison.

246) Insectophobia - Fear of insects.

247) Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.

248) Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.

249) Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

250) Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.

251) Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.

252) Kainolophobia or Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.

253) Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.

254) Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.

255) Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.

256) Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.

257) Keraunophobia or Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)

258) Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.

259) Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.

260) Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.

261) Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.

262) Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.

263) Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)

264) Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.

265) Kymophobia- Fear of waves. (Cymophobia)

266) Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.

267) Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.

268) Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.

269) Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.

270) Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.

271) Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.

272) Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.

273) Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.

274) Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.

275) Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.

276) Linonophobia- Fear of string.

277) Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.

278) Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.

279) Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.

280) Logophobia- Fear of words.

281) Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.

282) Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.

283) Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.

284) Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.

285) Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.

286) Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.

287) Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.

288) Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)

289) Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.

290) Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.

291) Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.

292) Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.

293) Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.

294) Megalophobia- Fear of large things.

295) Melissophobia- Fear of bees.

296) Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.

297) Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.

298) Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.

299) Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.

300) Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.

301) Metallophobia- Fear of metal.

302) Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.

303) Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.

304) Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.

305) Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.

306) Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)

307) Microphobia- Fear of small things.

308) Misophobia or Mysophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs.

309) Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.

310) Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.

311) Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.

312) Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.

313) Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.

314) Mottephobia- Fear of moths.

315) Musophobia or Muriphobia- Fear of mice.

316) Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.

317) Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.

318) Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.

319) Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.

320) Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.

321) Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)

322) Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)

323) Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.

324) Nelophobia- Fear of glass.

325) Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.

326) Neophobia- Fear of anything new.

327) Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.

328) Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.

329) Nomatophobia- Fear of names.

330) Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.

331) Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.

332) Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.

333) Novercaphobia- Fear of your step-mother.

334) Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.

335) Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.

336) Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.

337) Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas or of forests at night

338) Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.

339) Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)

340) Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.

341) Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.

342) Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.

343) Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.

344) Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)

345) Oenophobia- Fear of wines.

346) Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.(Domatophobia, Eicophobia)

347) Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.

348) Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.

349) Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.

350) Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.

351) Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.

352) Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.

353) Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)

354) Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

355) Opiophobia- Fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.

356) Optophobia- Fear of opening one's eyes.

357) Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.

358) Orthophobia- Fear of property.

359) Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.

360) Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.

361) Ouranophobia or Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.

362) Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.

363) Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.

364) Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.

365) Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.

366) Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.

367) Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.

368) Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.

369) Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.

370) Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th.

371) Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.

372) Pathophobia- Fear of disease.

373) Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.

374) Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.

375) Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning or imaginary crimes.

376) Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.

377) Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.

378) Pedophobia- Fear of children.

379) Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.

380) Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.

381) Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.

382) Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)

383) Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.

384) Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.

385) Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.

386) Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.

387) Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.

388) Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.

389) Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.

390) Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.

391) Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.

392) Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.

393) Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.

394) Photophobia- Fear of light.

395) Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.

396) Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.

397) Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)

398) Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.

399) Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.

400) Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.

401) Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.

402) Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.

403) Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.

404) Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)

405) Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.

406) Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.

407) Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.

408) Polyphobia- Fear of many things.

409) Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.

410) Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.

411) Porphyrophobia- Fear of the color purple.

412) Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.

413) Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.

414) Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.

415) Proctophobia- Fear of rectums.

416) Prosophobia- Fear of progress.

417) Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.

418) Psychophobia- Fear of mind.

419) Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.

420) Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.

421) Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.

422) Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets.

423) Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.

424) Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.

425) Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.

426) Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.

427) Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.

428) Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)

429) Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.

430) Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.

431) Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.

432) Russophobia- Fear of Russians.

433) Samhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.

434) Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)

435) Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.

436) Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.

437) Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.

438) Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.

439) Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.

440) Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.

441) Scolionophobia- Fear of school.

442) Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.

443) Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.

444) Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)

445) Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.

446) Selachophobia- Fear of sharks.

447) Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.

448) Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.

449) Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.

450) Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.

451) Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)

452) Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.

453) Siderophobia- Fear of stars.

454) Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left or left-handed.

455) Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.

456) Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)

457) Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)

458) Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.

459) Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.

460) Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.

461) Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.

462) Sophophobia- Fear of learning.

463) Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.

464) Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.

465) Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.

466) Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.

467) Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.

468) Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking. (Ambulophobia)

469) Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.

470) Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.

471) Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.

472) Suriphobia- Fear of mice.

473) Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.

474) Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.

475) Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.

476) Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.

477) Tachophobia- Fear of speed.

478) Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.

479) Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.

480) Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.

481) Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.

482) Technophobia- Fear of technology.

483) Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definite plans. 2) Religious ceremony.

484) Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.

485) Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people.

486) Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.

487) Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.

488) Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.

489) Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.

490) Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.

491) Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.

492) Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.

493) Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.

494) Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.

495) Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.

496) Thermophobia- Fear of heat.

497) Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.

498) Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.

499) Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.

500) Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.

501) Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned.

502) Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.

503) Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.

504) Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.

505) Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia- Fear of hair. (Chaetophobia, Hypertrichophobia)

506) Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.

507) Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.

508) Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.

509) Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.

510) Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.

511) Uranophobia or Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.

512) Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.

513) Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.

514) Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.

515) Verbophobia- Fear of words.

516) Verminophobia- Fear of germs.

517) Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.

518) Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.

519) Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.

520) Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.

521) Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.

522) Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.

523) Xenoglossophobia- Fear of foreign languages.

524) Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.

525) Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.

526) Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.

527) Xyrophobia-Fear of razors.

528) Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.

529) Zeusophobia- Fear of God or gods.

530) Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.

531) Zoophobia- Fear of animals.

12 February 2007

Orange


I hadn’t showered in three days. It’s disgusting I know but it’s essential to the story. There had been concerts and travel and running and drinking since the last shower. I was filthy. I liked it though. It reminded me of someone I once knew. I fell asleep on a couch. The room was dark. Over to the side I could make out the silhouette of an animal. Maybe it was a cat. I didn’t know where I was. I fell to sleep almost instantly.

In my dreams I saw colors. Blue. Green. Orange. They came in that order. One would be there for an ethereal amount of time and then be replaced by the next. The cycle did not repeat. Instead my mind settled on orange. When I awoke I saw my world in an orange haze, the scent of tar filling my sinuses.

In that moment memory came upon me like a horrible specter. The tar that flooded my nose and the orange brightness that lingered before my eyes transported me back in time. I was all at once in High School for a second time. I was watching two track teams compete. The smell of fresh lain tar made my head swim ad I cheered on the home team.

One of the runners turned and smiled in my direction. I caught a flash of orange that escaped that smile. The orange came from braces. The color had been my choice a while before. Orange is my favorite color. The braces would come off in less than a month.

My memory was all at once halted by physical sensations. A cat was brushing against my leg. Where the hell was I? I had spent the night there, on the couch. The cat was a sleek black.

I left the house. There was no one home. There was no one to tell me where I was. I didn’t care where I was. My mind was still flooded with orange.

My thoughts swirled with remembrances of unfounded passions. I recalled love only half deigned. I realized that my memory was wrong.

I was never truly in love with the track runner. It was actually the gymnast. Or was the one with orange braces the gymnast? I couldn’t remember and it made my hung over head hurt even more.

I walked down the street looking for the train. I gave up thinking about past lovers. I wanted to go home.

I boarded the train. I read subversive literature. Businesspeople looked at me. Some looked at me with eyes filled with rage. Others looked at me with eyes full of interest. The back of my mind was still coated in orange.

I smiled and winked at the people on the train. I reveled in the reactions I received. A lot of them were shock and embarrassment of being caught staring. For some of the people the glares of hate only magnified. For one though the intrigue was what expanded.

I would look down at my reading and then back up catching eyes hold them there until I could almost taste the discomfort. Then I would smile or wink, once I made a subtle kissing motion. The looks I elicited made me swell inside. I took immense pleasure in playing with the strangers on the train.

Soon I stopped reading when I looked down and focused more of my attention on the game I was playing. After that I even stopped thinking of a shower and even getting home was erased from my mind.

By the time the train stopped at its final destination even the orange was gone and all that was left was me, playing with a train full of curious strangers.

09 February 2007

RIP Anna Nicole Smith (1967 - 2007)


We will truly miss you.

08 February 2007

The Sorrows of Young Schylar


So, I just finished reading "The Sorrows of Young Werther" and it may just be my new favorite book. But I guess I may just have some sort of weird penchant for tragic stories. No, that’s not it. I’ll be candid about it, what have I got to loose. I like the story so much because it reminds me of myself. But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself; let me give you the synopsis first.

Werther is the main character and he writes these letters to people, mainly his best friend. He’s this artist, a real free spirit, almost childlike in his love for life. Well he falls in love with this girl, Lotte but you see she’s already promised in marriage. So long story short he looses his sanity out of heartbreak and ends up at a funeral where “no clergyman presided” of you know what I mean.

So that’s basically it, if you want the full thing click here, it’s on Project Gutenberg, which by the way is one of the best sites out there and it's free, I also highly recommend going to the Distributed Proofreaders site and doing some volunteer work for them it’s a good cause. I do it every week. I’ll put the links to both of the main pages on the sidebar.

So anyway back to me… [I really do just love being able to say that] I really do feel a true kinship with the character of ‘Young Werther’. I look at it like this, I parallel him in so many ways that book might as well be my biography. I’ll make a list.

1. He is financially dependant on his family and his family uses that money to control him.

2. He loves life as a child, full of awe and joy, but that joy is increasingly being sapped from him.

3. He wants to be an artist yet his family forces him into a ‘practical’ career.

4. He is in the throes of unrequited love.

5. With every day his life tunnels out further until only one thing can be seen, despair.

Now I haven’t made it al the way to the end of step five yet, but I am getting rather close. It’s just that damn tunneling out felling. But I’ve digressed quite a bit. I was talking about how this has become one of my favorite books.

I like it because I find a sort of empathy in it. From the very title inscription that reads “let this little book be your friend if through fate or your own fault you can find no other one.” And it seems to me that in this day of my life I do indeed have no closer friend, no single person in my life comprehends me in the way that this book does. As to the cause, fate or my own fault, that is still to be decided. I have a theory on that though.

So long as I live it will be my own fault. It is always like that in life. When someone lacks the will to make or maintain their relationships it is forever something wrong with them. But once that demon that gave birth to these events consumes their host it is always ‘poor unfortunate soul’ to the one in the grave. So I guess the real question come down to the origin of this demon that is eating through me progressively, daily.

That no one will ever know, try as they might.

But then again, I always complained that I wanted this kind of friend who understood me. I mean if it really came down to it the closet two I have are K*****n and M***a and bless their hearts they are two of the best friend anybody could ask for, they still fall short in the most important ways. That was harsh to them; I did not mean it in the way people would probably take it. Just let it be known that they are indeed wonderful friends and I love both of them dearly, I’ll leave it at that, I feel no need to justify my words further. But back to the point, I feel as though I have finally found that singular person who I share a kindred soul with, it really is too bad that he’s fictional and from 1774 Germany. Oh well, c’est la vie.

I’ve found that friend at long last, but I still feel that same nagging emptiness. At the risk of sounding histrionic I was wrong all along. I was never a vessel yearning to be filled. I am a sieve which things only touch briefly as they pass through and beyond me. And now with that realization I am lost. A vessel may be filled but what is to be done with a sieve? Is there anything that one can do with such an instrument to make it complete and whole? All my earthly riches to the one who can solve that one, I mean it. Every single thing I own to the person who can answer that question.

And with that goodnight and Godspeed.

07 February 2007

Podcast Test Episode: Julia


This is a song that I recorded in a back dressing room at the old Victory Gerdens Theatre on Lincoln Avenue in Chicago. I never got the name of the artist but I still feel that the work is amazing and should be shared. Also, the instrument is not a guitar but a baratone ukulele. [Click on the title of the post to listen or subscribe by clicking the button on the left.]

You Just Have To See This

Ok, so here's one that's not my own but so damn interesting that it had to be posted...

06 February 2007

Six in the Morning


So it’s six in the morning and in four hours I’ll be at church. I don’t even know if I believe in God. In fact, I don’t even know why the hell I’m going in the first place. I lack conviction but I am at the same time so bound by habit that I have to go. I like ritual though. It allows you to loose yourself in repetitive motions and allows your soul to wander. But I undergo rituals every day, so why do I keep waking up when my body is crying to go back to bed when I cannot really give myself a single good reason for doing it? I suppose that I could blame it on my family. The one thing that my godfather, more like my father really ever asked of my family is that they, “keep their faith,” but to me that is ridiculous. How can you ask, or for that matter even expect someone to do you a favor of personal convictions? And even if that person were to agree, could they actually do little more than act the role meaninglessly? And that brings me to the point. My entire life is like when I go to church. No part of me wants to be present wherever I am but I still do it, because the only thing that is really expected of me it to stick around and play my role. But life as ritual is different. Instead of getting lost in it I am consumed by it. The method acting of my existence is so intense that it is becoming increasingly harder to discern where the role that is put on me by family and friends ends and where the real me, and my real wants and motives begins. I am the epitome of a puppet on strings. I dance to the needs of others and never really even know where I am let alone how to take charge of things. I want to run away, I want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off and be alone for the rest of eternity, and I want to be my own for once. For once I do not want the bell to toll for me, I want to wake up and not be greeted with a sea of faces expectantly leering at me, awaiting my service to them to begin. But what the hell, I’m tired, and church is in a few hours.

05 February 2007

The Follies of Technology


I just wrote a very long piece on the concept of the Hermit, then as I was about to post the computer dies. So there is no piece today, perhaps I will rewrite it for tomorrow, perhaps. So take this lesson in lieu of a post for the day: Beware The Follies Of Technology.

02 February 2007

Convenient Fever


[ AUTHOR'S PREFACE - Here is a story that I am pretty sure is ripped off of one of my late night delerium filled movie binges. I wrote it though so you may as well read it. Just makes you think though, is it always a good idea to stay inside in lieu of braving the elements? ]

“Who was the bright guy who even thought to build a convenience store all the way out here?” The speaker, a college student, male, of average form and looks, appeared to be about as forlorn as the weather outside. The snow had been coming down for about four hours and even though the highway was only a few yards from the sliding glass doors that led to the small parking lot, the entirety of the outer scene was obscured by a thick layer of white. The television, which had gone into a fit of snow almost as fierce as that outside three hours into the storm has said that it was the worst blizzard seen in the region for three decades. The bright, thankfully warm convenience store had in that instant, when the TV and phone had gone out and the back-up generator kicked in, become the small dominion of the two attendants.

“Or rather who were the geniuses who decided to get jobs here?” Answering was another young man from the same school and dorm mate to the original speaker. “So, Ryan, what do you say we do next? We’ve already pillaged the nudie magazines and played about a million games of checkers, I don’t think that the old man would be too tweaked if we got into the food do you?”

“Knock yourself out bud.” Ryan remained leaning on the counter staring out into the snow-covered night as his friend went off in search of something to munch on. “Hey, I’m going to turn down the lights, we don’t know how long we’re going to be here and we’re on back-up power right now as it is.”

“Good idea, you go and do that, I’m busy over here with some nachos.”

With a laborious groan Ryan rose and went to the back of the store. On his way he caught a glimpse of Paul in the opposite corner crafting a monument out of chips, cheese, and hot peppers. The look of sheer pleasure o Paul’s face annoyed Ryan to a degree only he could understand. He had been raised by a mother who was utterly paranoid of natural disasters and had instilled that fear in her youngest Ryan. He was scared out of his mind by the entire situation and could not even mention it due to a cocktail of bravado and embarrassment. When he finally go to the utility room and turned the lights down to a dull ambient glow the fear inside of his breast made bile rush to the back of his throat as he nearly passed out. Playing it off as a little fall he darted to the back as casually as possible and brought every box of candles that the store had to the front counter.

“You look uptight. Relax man; it’s only until morning. That’s what, ten hours at the most? They know that we’re working.” The casual stroll that Peter normally carried himself with was interrupted by a very noticeably conscious effort to preserve the precarious balance of his caloric masterpiece. “But yeah, those candles would be pretty cool wouldn’t they? We could have like a séance or whatever you call it.”

The thought of adding an occult spin to the already bleak situation only compounded upon Ryan’s already mounting fear rendering him unable to speak besides a small hoarse yeah that ended a foot out of his mouth. He tried to put their situation into easier terms than those he was dealing with but in the end it all came down to him being trapped in a dim little shop with a roommate who only mocked him with his foil-like courage in the face of his cowardice.

Beer. Yes, that had to be of some use to him in this situation. Alcohol would let him relax, he might even be able to get some sleep and just be woken by the owner having someone dig them out from under the snow that was piling on the building by the inch. He went to the back of the store and pulled out two six-packs of cheap beer. When he returned to his post he offered Paul a six-pack, he declined. Taking this upon himself as a challenge Ryan had within the hour taken down nine of the twelve that he had brought up with him. It was well into one in the morning and his hunger had started to kick in. Paul had slunk off somewhere and probably fallen asleep under some obscure cabinet in the store. Shoving the thought of his friend out of his mind Ryan staggered down the aisles looking for something suitable for quenching his mounting appetite.

When he had reached the chips and pretzels Ryan slipped to the ground with a dull thud and feigned at a grab for something to eat. Within moments the upper half of his body lurched to the right and Ryan unleashed a torrent of vomit on the ground beside himself, only moments before he lurched for a second time, this time instead of vomiting, landing in the puddle he had created only moments earlier.

Shadows danced on the ceiling sending images of fiendish creatures across Ryan’s field of vision. The lake of vomit that he vaguely remembered laying down was cleaned up and the lights that he had dimmed were completely off. The light that cast the eerie pictures came from a large patch of candles that had been set up in the center of the counter. All but dragging himself to investigate the scene he found the candles blazing and Paul nowhere in sight. Ryan could not make out the clock but by the way that all of the candles were down to mounds of flaming wax he could postulate that it had been quite some time since he had last seen the waking world.

“Paul?” The voice that ensued from him sounded pleading and all too pathetic for Ryan’s liking. In an instant, as if in answer to his call music began to drift down from the speakers in the ceiling. It was “Horse Latitudes” by the Doors. The disturbing melody with Jim Morrison’s droning ominous narration added just one more thing to the ever increasing aura of campy horror that was none the less beginning to really wear at Ryan’s resolve to remain at least somewhat valiant in the face of one of his greatest personal fears.

Staggering to his feet Ryan scanned the room trying to reckon a semblance of his friend. The flickering of the candles only served to play tricks on his mind. Instead of his friend he saw fiends and devils. Every time the song playing would loop he would feel like every time the words were more and more meant for him.

His agitation grew both due to the unfolding scene and at Paul in particular. Ryan’s thoughts began to race. It was all Paul’s fault. He was doing this to him. He was trying to drive Ryan mad.

Flicker.

Ryan awoke once more to the candles having burnt themselves out.

Flicker.

The lights were back on, just dim enough to let his eyes see vauge outlines. The Doors’ “Horse Latitudes” was still playing faintly overhead.

Flicker.

Paul! Damn you come out here and

Flicker.

With all of the resolve left in his body Ryan went behind the counter and grabbed the revolver that the owner kept.

Flicker.

You can’t hide forever Paul!

Flicker.

Ryan stood in the middle of the store laughing a mirthless cackle.

Flicker.

There you are!

Flicker.

Paul knelt before Ryan begging for his life appealing to all his senses of human compassion and decency.

Flicker.

BANG!

The buzzer gave off two shrill blares jolting the sleepy young student from a deep sleep. With a lazy and exhausted lumber he made his tired way over to the intercom.

Who is it?”

“Police. Can we come up and have a few words with you?”

The tired young man allowed the officers entrance and went over to his coffee machine and started a pot to brew while he waited for them to ascend the several flights of stairs. A million things began to flood through his mind as he waited for them to arrive.

By the time the three of them sat down they all held mugs of coffee. The officers looked about as if they were nervous about what was in the midst of transgressing. Finally after a long suspense filled silence one of the one in uniform spoke.

“Now Paul, I’m going to have you look at some pictures and you need to tell me if you recognize who you see in them, ok?”

Paul nearly dropped his coffee as he barely managed to eke out the words of “Yeah, that’s him. That’s Ryan.”

After he had recovered from the shock of finding his long time friend and roommate dead he looked at the officers and asked what the cause of death was.

“Suicide, seems he couldn’t take being snowed in all alone overnight.”

THE END

01 February 2007

King of the Dance-Floor


[ AUTHOR'S PREFACE - This is a story that I wrote quite a while ago as a cautionary tale of sorts. The dedication here is to all of the "Kings and Queens of the Dance-floor" out there. You know who you are, all I ask is that you take a few moments to read. SO without further ado, I present for your reading pleasure: "King of the Dance-Floor" ]

Look over there, the corner of the bar. The space of the room just outside the reach of the dance-floor lights. See the guy leaning over the bar talking to the bartender? He’s the one wearing the tight red shirt and the low-rise jeans that show just a little bit of a treasure trail. The one with the skin that borders on yellow and caramel. He’s holding the purple drink in the short glass. Yep, that’s the one.

His name is Jeremy and, well if you could accuse anyone of being downright evil, it would be him. I suppose that you would like to know what event was able to prompt such a strong remark. The scene begins in that same corner, nine years ago on his twenty-second birthday.

...

Meat Market. The only club in the entire city shameless enough to embrace its identity. The neon sign out front acting like a bug zapper, drawing nearly every young gay man in the tri-city area to it at least once, but usually much more. Still, there were few regulars, which is to say few people that went to the same pickup bar every night. But there were the few Adonis’ with enough je ne sais quoi to get into and take someone home from the city’s most exclusive gay club every night. Jeremy was naturally one of them.

He had by this point become a sort of impromptu king among these beautiful elite. This status came from a combination of both the best looking and most promiscuous among the lot of them. And besides that Jeremy had every single one of the others beat hands down when is came to intelligence. He was a student at the city’s premiere university studying philosophy and political science, though fortunately, at least in his mind, he was able to keep others knowledge of this fact to a minimum.

Jeremy thrived on clichés. After all he had been raised as a cliché. His father was Japanese and taught of all things martial arts. His mother was black and owned, of course, a beauty salon. So, being one to not defy the edicts of tradition Jeremy drank, dosed, danced, and fornicated as much as he possibly could. He imagined that life was a stage and that who you were had nothing to do with the part to were told to play. And so it was with a great deal of inebriation that we find Jeremy, in the far corner of the Meat Market, drink in hand, newly twenty-two years old, and looking as hot as ever.

...

Jeremy stood next to the bar with a drink in his hand, as usual. It wasn’t that he especially liked alcohol but it enhanced the look of it all. With a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other he was the epitome of recklessness, which at the time was the vogue thing. He was wearing a tight shirt with the word “SLUT” emblazoned across the chest in a graffiti font. His pants were one size too small and hugged his crotch so tightly that anyone within ten feet, even in the dim lights of the club, would find a black hole of attention drawing them closer. It was early, at least in club time anyway, it was only eleven o’clock not even midnight yet. The dance-floor was just beginning to become populated with dancing revelers, none of the really chic people began to dance until at least one. Scanning the room Jeremy ground his cigarette into a nearby ashtray and set his drink down. He began to slowly sweep his gaze over the assembled crowd that even at this hour was almost at capacity. The expression on his face was that of sheer boredom. Which is not to say, of-course that he was bored. He was having the time of his life and in fact for some reason or another he was especially happy that night. It was his birthday and he was going to get laid, a present to himself in a sense. The suspense was the best part, waiting until the proper prey revealed themselves.

It is of course a natural instinct of man to attempt to regress to his most basal urges and desires. That night Jeremy was the apex of animalistic. He imagined himself as a great lion hunting down his prey on the open Savannah slowly stalking his prey until he was prepared to make his attack and pounce. With a slight internal start Jeremy spotted his target for the evening. Sitting at a table on the other end of the dance-floor nearly completely obscured by people and poor lighting was perhaps the most beautiful boy he had ever set eyes upon, though he was sure to add the mental qualifier, except my own reflection that is.

Forgetting his drink Jeremy slowly rights himself and, ever mindful of his pace he began walking towards his newly discovered target. He pulled it off with acute precision. His gait gave nothing away but a sense of assured coolness. If one walked too fast one looked too eager, too slow and one would appear as if he were trying to be chic, though he was of course, he just never let on. As he traversed the floor his body was caught in majestic poses by the flashing of the strobe lights. He gave off the illusion of being made up of still pictures in time, ethereal and staggeringly compelling in their majestic beauty. His eyes never left his target the whole way there. Arriving at the table he discovered that his approach had not come unnoticed, the element of surprise it seems was lost. Oh well.

The figure sitting down stamped out his cigarette and looked Jeremy directly in the eye. The effect, for the first time in what in that instant felt like an eternity was a small, barely noticeable sharp intake of air. Idly in the back of his mind Jeremy realized that people called it a gasp. The figure opposite him was wearing a black muscle shirt with one-quarter sleeves and pants that looked the twin to Jeremy’s own. Even sitting down Jeremy could tell that he was tall, at least six foot three by Jeremy’s rough estimation. His skin was the most delicate shade of cream the world had ever seen, it was as if his complexion yelled I tan under the dance-floor lights. His mouth had a subtle curve and was full without being feminine his cheekbones were high, giving Jeremy the impression that he was being faced with a rival predator on a lonely mountain path. His hair was the sheer essence of “in” it gave off the look as though he had just had amazing sex and he wanted the world to see. The last thing to take effect was the power of this creature’s gaze, like an Arabian Ballisk this boy could kill a man with his stare. They stood like so for not even a fraction of a second, though to both of them it felt like an eternity and a half.

The strange new encounter was the first to speak. “Hey. Rohan. And you are?” The timbre of his voice was perfect, for a moment Jeremy wondered weather or not he was facing an incubus. Shaking the thought from his mind he made his reply, mindful as always to keep his tone and pace at just the right levels so as to appear as a god condescending to a mortal. “Jeremy. You’re new.” It worked. From that moment on both of them knew that they would be sharing one of their beds by the end of the night, it was just a matter of ritual from this point onward, it didn’t matter who initiated it.

“Let’s dance”

...

The next morning thin motes of winter sun stabbed at Jeremy’s eyes slowly rousing him from his deep, exhausted sleep. He rolled over from the edge of the bed, the position he had adopted in order to make it clear that he was only interested in those he brought home for a singular reason. To his shock, and surprisingly dismay Rohan was not on the bed next to him as expected. Bolting upright he groggily scanned the room. Rohan was sitting precariously on the narrow ledge of Jeremy’s bedroom window in a pair of red jockeys, he was holding a thick stack of papers.

“Oh you’re up. I’m sorry, I found this on your desk and I couldn't help but start reading.” Jeremy instantly recognized it as one of his more in depth papers for one of his philosophy courses. He was usually so good about hiding those away, that one must have avoided his gaze that particular time. This provoked only one thought in the back of his mind. Damn. So much for vacuous. “I can explain...” Explain what, how he wasn’t really intelligent, that he was a good-looking vacuum of the human condition?

“I don’t care how you explain it, you are giving Kerouac way too much credit for the fusion of eastern philosophy and popular American literature, I mean Ginsberg alone and his studies with the Zen masters are much more influential than any one of Kerouac’s novels or haiku.” Jeremy sat dumbfounded. It seemed that there was more to this guy than he let on, then again the same case held true for him as well. The only downside was that it was actually shocking to have taken someone home who was more interested in an intellectual ponder than having one more spurt for the road. It wasn’t right, this was not the way that things were supposed to go. Jeremy made it up in his mind that he would do something about it right then and there.

“Yes, but if you look at the timing of the works which were published and the time at which Ginsberg did study with the Zen masters it becomes quite apparent that Kerouac was the predecessor and therefore most important within the movement.” Where the hell did that come from? The debate continued through breakfast and well into a walk through the nearby park. Eventually though there paths were forced to diverge and to Jeremy’s great surprise Rohan left bearing his real number instead of his stock fake one that he gave to all of the others.

That night as Jeremy was preparing to go out to the club his phone rang, it was Rohan. He invited Jeremy over to his house and atypically Jeremy accepted. He reasoned that the sex was just that good and that he could use a night away from the club scene. He called one of his friends to tell him why he would not be at the club that night.

“Watch out man, you could be headed towards a relationship.” Relationship. The word haunted Jeremy all the way to Rohan’s apartment. All of this time he had done so well to avoid being someone's boyfriend and he was not about to throw it out now.

That evening Rohan and Jeremy talked, ate, and well, talked. When he awoke the next morning Jeremy realized that he hadn’t even removed so much as a sock. Perhaps it was true, it could be the budding flower of a relationship. This could not happen. He was king of the dance-floor the most renowned lothario in the club circuit. And what was worse he actually liked this one. It was nice to finally have someone to converse with on a higher level, someone to share something meaningful with, it really was nice.

Relationship.

...

In the following weeks Jeremy thought, he thought constantly, in class, in bed, in the shower, everywhere where he was conscious. Is occurred to him one day that something had to be done. So with this in mind he set out to remedy the dilemma which he was now facing. And what a dreadful dilemma it was. He had found someone that was everything that he could ever ask for and to take it to another level someone that he could quite possible come to love, someone so perfect that is made him hurt. And it only got worse, Jeremy began to think of being faithful to Rohan, he thought about living with him and sharing a bed with him without sexual intent. To say the least it was the largest fright he had undergone since his birth. Chiefly he was scared, secondly he was angry. He was furious that that life had become this complicated. He was a gay man in the prime of his life, this was not supposed to happen. This, this love that had so callously intruded in upon his life was not part of the role he was meant to play in life. And so with a shrewd determination he set out to solve his confounding conflicts.

By the time a month had passed since their first meeting Jeremy had made up his mind and set out upon a course of action. Calling one of his friends he devised a plan to make sure that no relationship could ever blossom from their interactions, ever. And so it was with a light heart that Jeremy sat down and constructed the following letter.

Rohan,
I am writing this because I just don’t have the time to meet you in person for this. You are such a great guy, and I mean it but I just can’t see or talk to you anymore, it’s all just too much to handle. I really hope that you find happiness in life, and trust me I regret not being a part of it, I really do. Well I have to run, I’m off to go club hopping, very busy I told you. Well goodbye then.
-Jeremy


Jeremy had one of his friends drop it off, just to get the message that clubbing and hedonism were more important that Rohan. After all when it came down to it, it really was. He was king of the dance-floor and no one was going to take that from him, ever. That night he went out and met someone new, the next night the same thing, so on and so forth for the next two years until he graduated. After that he decided to stay in the city, mainly for the convenience of the constant stream of good-looking guys that he could sleep with.

Some time later he found someone else that fell in love with him, the details are irrelevant, he broke the poor creature’s heart for the sheer amusement. He began to take a sadistic thrill in using people and tossing them aside when he was done. He repeated this process with another. And then again there was another one after that. It continued on like that. He began to live in a cycle of evoking love and then shredding it. By the time he hit thirty he was still as good looking as the day he turned twenty, and he often lied about his age to younger men to get them into bed and proceed to win their hearts. Though by this time he was no longer the king, he had lost that title a long time ago to someone who was fresh and new. The transition came without popular opposition. It was a seamless transition of power. Then he had to work and could only go to the clubs on the weekends, and his once precision skills in picking up men had faded as new styles and techniques dated those he had come to hold so dearly. By the time he was thirty-one he had stopped going to the clubs entirely. He worked and went home. He worked and went home alone. He began to sleep in the middle of the bed. Sometimes he would wish that there were someone there he could be master of. Sometimes he thought of Rohan. On the eve of his Thirty-second birthday he decided to return to his old haunt, the Meat Market.

...

And here we find him, lonely and alone, looking for someone new to take in and destroy. You see, even though he regrets it, it is so ingrained within his nature he can do naught but use people for his own pleasure and then discard them when he is done. It seems as though he has become a method actor. Looking up from his conversation with the bartender he notices someone sitting at a table across the dance floor. Excusing himself he puts down his drink and walks towards the table and approaches the sitting figure. The seated man is the first to speak.

“Hey. Rohan. And you?” This meeting the gasp is more audible and both parties are painfully aware of it. “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” With that Jeremy turned and walked towards his home, to sleep in the middle of the bed.