Musing With Ella

So it's nearly two in the morning and i'm listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing the Cole Porter songbook. I am currently listening to "Miss Otis Regrets". For those of you who do not know the song i suggest that you go and find it, it happens to be one of my favorites. Also, I feel that K*** may be correct. I am Miss Otis. Hopefully I can outrun the lynch mob though. But that's not the point of any of this at all, not that there was one to be exact. "Are you my life to be, my dream come true?" I love that lyric, i find it to be so incredible poetic each time I hear it. The next song up is "I get a kick outta you". I like that song because it actually and quite eloquently uses the word ennui. I still have not quite figured out why I like that word so much. Perhaps it is that it fits me so well. I have written on this before though so I won't bore you with it again. What I will tell you is that I have had a revelation of sorts in the past few days. I was laying there bitching about my life to myself mentally and all of a sudden something changed. For one moment I was in the greatest pits of despair, my soul tortured beyond measure and the next I was completely illuminated. Now what I am about to say will not sound groundbreaking but allow me to assure me that it is. I realized in that singular moment that I hated myself. But in the same stroke of thought I realized that I did not have to be me. Now before I go on I will have to thank Kate Bornstein, without her this knowing would never have come upon me as it did. I, and anyone for that matter, can change myself into whatever I want. The only problem here is deciding what it is that I want to be. Well I have not decided on that quite yet, but when I do... believe you me there will be celebrations abound. Right now all I know is that I am going to begin to transition my gender, again I'm not sure to what right now but maybe I will soon. And if I don't I guess I can always just try differant things out until I do find something. But it is getting late and I really should be getting to bed. So goodnight one and all, and in the words of the great Ella Fitzgerald, "Let's do it, let's fall in love."